dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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