Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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