Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
