We're like a lot better than the average bears
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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