My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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