After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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