I have demons in me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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