Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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