remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
