Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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