Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
