We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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