I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my liver is dry heaving
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
