dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
