you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
