fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
please come you make the beer taste better
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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