OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
