I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's shark week go big or go home
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
