i will never coherently bang her
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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