goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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