Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize