My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
