Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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