I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
