I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
