where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
