you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
