I am midnight drunk by noon
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
