have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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