Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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