Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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