I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
