these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.