I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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