I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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