Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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