Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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