I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize