i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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