Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
