you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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