My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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