i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
