But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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