i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
