i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
