she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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