come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
