yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
