I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
