i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
