i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
