we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
