This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
